My wife and I took our oldest daughter to one of our favorite restaurants for her 19th birthday. When the waiter took our order, he asked if we were leaving room for dessert.
Who asks if you’re leaving room for dessert before you’ve even eaten your food?
I told him it was a bit early to tell.
Then, he didn’t check back until we were well into our meal. Everything was going fine.
The next thing I knew, he was dropping the bill on our table.
No dessert order. No opportunity to consider my life choices (and ignore the voice in my head).
I found myself irritated. Why didn’t he ask again? I could have ordered separately, but that meant an extra receipt, and I didn’t want to deal with that.
My wife has worked for almost a decade as a health coach. (The irony of my present situation will become apparent momentarily.) One of the “models” they discuss often is the drama triangle. In a nutshell: there’s a hero, a victim, and a villain.
I was the victim.
I wanted dessert, but I didn’t get it because the waiter never asked me. Of course, it had nothing to do with my own indecision. I let the circumstances decide for me.
On the way home, the thought settled like a heavy fog on my brain. I do this in other areas of my life all the time, especially when it comes to my health.
I need to lose a significant amount of weight. In part, I need to lose it because it’s getting harder to put my socks on in the morning. I also just don’t feel healthy.
So, there I was, about to excuse ordering dessert because it was my daughter’s birthday. Really, though, if I’m being honest, I’ve been excusing a lot of things lately. “Just one more time” has become a daily mantra where cinnamon rolls and Boston cream pies are concerned. I’ve stopped exercising almost entirely — hence the weight gain.
I’ve used crazy amounts of work to justify my behavior.
The truth: I’ve let excuses run the show.
Most of us have had seasons of life where we let external forces, regardless of the size, dictate our behavior.
When faced with those circumstances, how do you stop that? How do you become stronger than your excuses?
Here are 5 ways that I hope to become stronger than my excuses. Check back in 30 days to see where I am.
1. Own the Decision Before the Moment Comes
Excuses thrive on weak decisions and indecision. The moment I told the waiter, “It’s too early to tell,” I gave up control. Had I already decided yes or no about dessert, I wouldn’t have felt frustrated when the bill arrived. The same applies to bigger choices — exercise, healthy eating, work habits. When decisions are made ahead of time, excuses don’t get a say. You do, of course, have to mean it when you make the decision.
Challenge the Story You’re Telling Yourself
Another maxim of my wife’s work, “Stop. Challenge. Choose.” We’re so good at telling ourselves stories to validate our actions. Excuses usually come wrapped in a story we’ve convinced ourselves is true. “I deserve this because it’s a special occasion.” “I’ll start fresh tomorrow.” “One time won’t hurt.” But is that really the truth? More often than not, these stories are justifications disguised as logic. If you can challenge the excuse before it takes hold, you can rewrite the story.
3. Set a Standard, Not Just a Goal
Goals are great. Standards are better. A goal says, “I want to lose weight.” A standard is more of a mental model that defines how we view ourselves and the world. A standard says, “I’m someone who makes healthy choices daily.” When you define who you are rather than just what you want, excuses start feeling like breaking a promise to yourself, and that’s a powerful motivator.
4. Stop Negotiating With Yourself
Excuses love to drag you into negotiations. “I’ll go to the gym tomorrow instead.” “I’ll eat better next week.” The more you entertain them, the more persuasive they get. The best way to win? Don’t start the conversation. When it’s time to act, act without opening the door for debate. It’s okay to tell the voice in your head to shut its pie hole sometimes.
5. Remember: Small Excuses Create Big Consequences
Eating dessert or skipping it wouldn’t have been a big deal in isolation, but habitual excuses add up. A few pounds here. A few missed runs there. I never hit the snooze button but some people do. Maybe that’s your “I missed my workout” vice. It’s pretty easy to think “just this once doesn’t matter,” but when you step back far enough, you can see that every excuse builds on the last one. Excuses gain strength when we give into them. The only way to stop them from piling up is to cut them off at the source.
Excuses are sneaky until they become the default behavior. That’s when the new bad habit becomes so hard to break. Eventually, excuses leave us feeling justified all the time which means we’re ignoring the long-term impact. The good news? You don’t have to win every battle, just the next one.
Bad habits are mostly formed through small excuses over time, so it makes sense that only small, deliberate choices can pull us back out.
Let the journey begin!
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