The June afternoon sun was beating down on my neck as I hunched forward, holding the seat of my middle son’s bicycle. I’d just removed the training wheels, and I was, for what felt like the thousandth time, steadying the bike as he pedaled slowly across the concrete.
We’d build just enough momentum for him to stay up on his own, but the moment I’d let go, the same scene would play out over and over again. He would start to wobble, then crash his bike on the grass.
Again and again.
I’m sure the time felt longer than it actually was. Exasperated, I finally told him that there was no hope I could teach him how to ride a bike because he wasn’t willing to follow my instructions.
It wasn’t my finest parenting moment. As a rule of thumb: parents don’t give up on kids.
Imagine my surprise when only three weeks later, my son ran out the door, slamming it as he always does, and hopped on his bike, pedaling off to his friend’s house.
I asked my wife what happened.
“Brian¹ taught him,” she said.
Brian was a diminutive child, probably five or six inches shorter than my son who was of average height.
“Brian taught him?” I couldn’t help but let the disbelief creep into my question.
Apparently, Brian rode his bike around in circles so my son could watch him. It didn’t take long for our son to figure it out.
To make myself feel better, I can take credit for teaching him some of the mechanical basics, but it was his friend’s demonstration — giving my son an opportunity to see how it was done — that made the real difference.
The image of a toddler learning to walk is almost universally familiar. A good parent will never scold a child who falls when they’re learning how to walk. Quite the opposite is almost always the case. Quick comfort is given for bumps and bruises with grand celebrations when the first successful steps are taken.
I’ve often contemplated the shift in my approach between my middle son learning to walk and ride a bike. I had unbounded patience for him when he learned to walk yet gave up on him when he wanted to learn to ride a bike.
Again, not my finest parenting moment.
Here’s an interesting takeaway: When working toward something, how often do we give up on ourselves because we’re not making the progress we hoped?
- Ever tried dieting and eaten something in the morning that was not “on plan” which caused you to give up on the day / week / month? I blew it this morning so the day’s a bust!
- How about learning a new skill? I don’t devote as much time as I’d like to certain endeavors and often let my internal critic tell me I must be stupid because I can’t learn a thing as fast as John Travolta’s character in the movie Phenomenon.
- What about strengthening or repairing a relationship after years of not getting along well with that person?
Progress is about making incremental steps into areas of discomfort, even if the discomfort is so small it’s almost imperceptible. Progress requires going from where we are to where we want to be in ways that stretch and strain us.
Progress can be so gradual that you barely notice it, but trying to advance too quickly can lead to burnout, physical injury, or mental harm. Pushing for rapid improvement can be risky.
Think about trying to increase your personal best on a deadlift by 25% in one day. It’s not hard to imagine the kinds of injuries that could result in such a feat.
And mental setbacks from overextending can feel as real as physical injuries. This kind of mental exertion can lead to a belief that because we failed, we are a failure.
How do we strike a balance?
- Set incremental goals. This is one we hear a lot. Our goals have to be achievable, but also need to be goals that cause us to stretch and strain a little. The progress of too little effort can easily be erased. Trying to put in too much effort will almost always lead to burnout.
- Enjoy the process. Most skills don’t require us to learn Portuguese on our way to help find a lost child who is sick and in danger. It’s important to reframe the idea of “I need to succeed now” to “I’m getting better every day.”
- It’s okay to pause, just don’t quit. Whatever you’re trying to do, it’s going to happen that life will get in the way. Getting back on track with the next meal is a lot healthier than giving up because you enjoyed a piece of pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.
- Look for examples. There are many real people who have “been there, done that” who can be reliable mentors, even when done virtually. Some care is required in this option because we can easily get sucked into just watching the journey of others without ever making our own progress.
- Related to #2, celebrate effort. Acknowledging gains, no matter how small, counteracts the impact of negative self-talk. An interesting exercise when you find the inner critic getting too loud is to shift to acknowledging your gains with the same level of intensity as the inner critic. The inner cheerleader is a lot more fun to be around than the inner critic anyway.
- Perspective is everything. We experience life through our senses, but our perspective frames how we interpret those experiences. This is related to #5. There is an occasional place for the inner critic, but listening to that message is typically far less important than listening to the cheerleader. Spending too much time listening to the critic causes us to frame our experiences, even some of the really good ones, in a negative light.
- Show yourself compassion. Be nice to yourself! Show yourself the same kindness you would a toddler learning to walk. Do you deserve less than that? Don’t berate yourself for setbacks. Learn from them and move forward. Remember, we’re talking about progress. Self-berating does not equal progress.
Progress isn’t about perfection. It’s also not a sprint. We owe it to ourselves to approach personal growth with the same gentleness and enthusiasm we’d show to a toddler learning to walk.
When you stop to think about it, where you end up is just the destination. The growth didn’t happen at the end; it happened because of who you became along the way.
¹ Not his real name.
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